Monday, March 15, 2010

The screaming girl deep inside

However I know this is me, I feel like a whole different person had been locked inside of me. I do things I never thought that I would do, in both bad and good ways, which scares me. I am not that girl. I used to always tell the truth, not just look at someone's face and not tell the right things. I feel like if I keep doing this it might hurt my personality, or maybe it will hurt someone else, or myself, which would be even worse. I don't wanna hurt anybody, just like myself. I have to stop doing this, and just be the girl I used to be. I just don't know where to start it, because what I started to do, is almost a part of me right now, and I can't just clear it with a white handkerchief. But I am absolutely sure about one thing. I don't want to do this anymore! A really good, smart and loveable person made me wanna change back, and this person doesn't even know about that. I think this someone doesn't really like me, I mean we are keeping in touch, but I feel that we have something between us. Something like a big hole or a tear. We know each other but I think this person has a judgement of me, which is not that good. And I feel that this is a bit unfair, bacause we haven't really got the time to get to know each other as well as we would need to have a right point of our characters. When I'm doing this what I used to these times, I just wanna rip my hair out, or just slam my head againts the wall. But sometimes I just feel only pain or shame, or.....nothing. But of course none of the people around me knows anything about that, or anything about what I'm going trough since I had been 12. I never really talked about these to anyone, only a few times to my sister, but hey! I am almost 16, and I almost keeping things inside of me for 4 years now. And I can't just comlpain to anybody, I can't scream it out to my friends, or I can't let myself cry, because they have no idea about some of my things. So, Ok let just move on! I promise that I'll change, and I'll be the girl who I really am! 
Just to talk about something else, when I got home Friday evening, I had a really good night actually. After all the things that happened to me. I had a great girly chatting with my sister, and we were laughing until 11 pm, when we were sent to sleep, cause we were really loud, and my sister didn't even showered. So in that evening we planned to go to watch a movie the next day. We actually wanted to watch Alice in wonderland in 3D imax, but all the seats were booked for the next couple of weeks. So I mentioned Lovely bones, and Valentine's days too, but then we just decided to go shopping all day, and we did buy a bounch of cool things. I even bought headbands which I haven't weared for ages. Then in the end of the day we bought food from Mcdonald's which we ate at the car. :) The next day we didn't really do anything, we just kinda helped each other cleaning out, because my parents left home for a day, and they asked us. She made me breakfast!! She was really cute! Then for lunch we went to a ......(drumbeat).....Mcdrive. I know, I'll look like an elephant, but I just deserved it, bacuse in the evening we went to kangoo. It was good, but now it wasn't that good as I expected. Or maybe I was just tired. I mean I had a reall good time, but I think this time wasn't as good as the previous. So now It's a Monday morning and I have no school because we have a feast here, so I am way happy. Have a nice day!



Anonymous said...

cool post, and yeah i know that teenagehood is rough and all of those changes that we suddenly make in our lives and you just go crazy! :/
i also went through a whole lot of shit in these last years but hey, it's our life, it's what makes us who we are
Thanks for following!

dafo said...

Yes, maybe you're right! I just miss some things from the past, and that's what makes it even harder! But thanks for the support! :)

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