Crashed dreams about college

So here I am as I said this morning. I'm finally home after this exhausting and surplus day and before I tell you about my day I'm gonna tell you my story about how I got here to look for a job.

As you might know I wanted to go to university soooo badly...it was a huge dream for me, and I picked my school which was the András Pető Institute for Conductive Education and Conductor Trainig College. Everything went great until I found out that for getting accepted I need to take an aptitude test, which consists a speaking exam, a physical education kind of test and a singing exam....Talking about mine any my family's singing talent...actually there's nothing to talk about. We have absolutely NO, not even a teeny tiny talent. I am such an impossible case that I didn't even dare to sing in like a music lesson in my school when my whole class was singing.  So I was quite afraid last year around that time, that I'm gonna fail that singing thing....And I had every right to be afraid...:) I needed to take all my courage to walk up to my school's music teacher to ask her to give me some personal classes. Of course I wanted to die that I had to use my window disruptive voice for singing...alone...in front of a music teacher....those classes were the most embarassing hours of my entire life...The worst was that she actually lied to me that I am great, so I just kept singing and singing to exercise for the big exam. 

In this year's January the school held a forth-aptitude test, so you could see if you are avaible or not, see if you exercised enough...so I collected the last pieces of my self-confidence and made my way to the school. The PE was not a big deal, I made it , at the speaking part they told me that I'm lisping...like ME! I was freaked out. No one ever in my entire life tol me that I'm lisping...but who cares I eventually made the speaking part too. But the singing...if I could choose to die in total pain and suffer days until I find total peace or stand out singing in front of 3 people....I guess everyone knows what I would choose....So of course they told me that I need some more practice with a teacher and in total humiliation and wailing I went home. My big luck was that the real aptitude test was in April, so I had 3 months to accomplish my singing knowledge. I was working as hard as my terrible voice let me, and by the end of the rehearsals I did believe that I made some improvements...I knew that I can make my voice go higher than I did before, and I know that my accaptance to the college is depended on my singing talent. So In April I was really devastated to hear I'm not good enough, and by this sentence I waved to my college dreams...I was so determined that I'll try it a year later....but now I just don't think that voice is made for that school. 

So I figured out that I want to learn psychology next year, but during that year I need to do something apart from sitting at home and waiting for next year while all my friends are at school. Thereby I started to look for a job in the end of August and since then I haven't found anything. I sent my application to a zillion email addresses and went to a million interwievs but I always got that I'm so young with no working experiences...And I just don't understand what people think...I have just graduated from high school this summer...I only had student jobs...and they can see it in my CV....so why the hell they call me to go to an interwiev to tell me I'm not good enough. I'm so fed up with this whole thing, and that same exact thing happened to me today too. 

So I'm just in a desperate search for a job right now...Cross fingers for me :) 

XOXO, 

LD

Slowly but surely.....100th post!!!!

Hi everyone! 

To be truly honest, I have really gone for the last....2 years....I had so many changes in my life, and I decided that writing a blog is not so neccessary while I had may more opportunities to spend my blog time for such "better" things....It was a mistake. Yesterday evenig I was scrolling through my blog and I really REALLY loved the way I used to write down every single moment in my life, and don't misunderstand me, I'm a not freak or anything , I just read things that I didn't even remember that happened to me. My posts were so detailed that I was amused....I really do miss that, so I have decided that I'm starting it again, trying to keep up and do blogging at least every other day, because the real reason I have started blogging was that I wanted to preserve my memories, the things that I might forget, the little odds and ends that made me happy or sad....and it DID work...:) I'm so amused how young I was and how many mistakes I made using my english...I mean I'm not professional either at the moment, but I found such base things that I wrote down incorrectly. By the way that was my second inspiration why I did blogging...I wanted to acomplish my english knowledge, and actually it worked. OK, I didn't became an interpreter but I did my English language exam, and I graduated in English in 99 percent. But slowly I just dind't really care about it anymore....and now...after 2 years I recognized that I have forgotten so much since then, that I don't remember words like "recognize" and "inspiration"...which is a SHAME. 

So back to the theme, I wanted to celebrate my recurrence in my 100th blog post, and I am going to make an update today on what's going on with me, but now I have to go, actually I need to get ready for a job interwiev....I'll tell you about it later. 

XOXO, 

LD

Changes of a perfect world

I nearly don't even remember how I did and wrote these posts before....I have gone for almost a year but you need to understand that I have gone through some serious changes in my life. Some things that had been and still effecting my everydays.....When the school started in September everything was alright, everything happened normally in my own little, glittery, perfect world where I had the best friends in the whole world, I had my sister who I adore the most, on my side every day, and my family was happy. This leading lifestyle went really well I was only worried about my upcoming exams in may and june but I knew that I was ready for them too. However the things turned into my worst nightmare in March. As You know my dad was seriously ill ( Why the life is so unfair? ) and by March he felt even worse day by day....he couldn't sleep at night, and sometimes me and my sister talked with him through the night, he couldn't eat, he was really sick. On the 30th of March he got into hospital, and we immediately run to see him, to talk to him, to let him know that we are with him no matter what.......but he couldn't recognised us anymore....it didn't matter that we were talking to him, that I was holding his hands, that I was whispering to his ears that how much I love him, he didn't know anything about this. And this hurts me the most. That was the last time I saw him. In the next morning the hospital called my mother that he died in a heart failure. We were really devastated. This was my worst morning ever. The following days I skipped a few days at school and for my surprise I felt nothing...I think I didn't really accepted the fact and there were still a bit of hope deep inside of me that this never happened and it was a stupid mistake. But I slowly started to recover and accept the new situation. A really really kind person, who stands really close to my heart told me that he doesn't want to loose the sound of my abandoned laughter (Cause that's the way I can laugh) so I strarted to smile again, show the people that I'm fine, and I started to make my mother's life easier. Right now I still have some stray tears falling from my eyes as I write down the whole story, but it's really rare for me to let even just one person see me cry. I wish that he could still haer and see me.....he would know that I'm missing him really bad, that I have done my exams the best in the entire school I think, and that I've got a boyfriend, whom I always wanted, but he never met him, and that me and my best friend Merci's friendship is about to fall into pieces....

I'm not complaining....I have the best mother in the world, she gives me everything,I have and amazing guy by my side, and I have the best sisters too, but I rarely see them. My most adored sister just moved out a few months ago and it's really hard for me...I'm used to see her, talk to her, laugh with her every evening, and I'm missing her so much.....Sometimes I visit her and she's soooo happy living with his boyfriend, so I'm glad. Sadly I can't talk about these things with Merci....we really went to the wrong path, and both know that we should talk this whole thing over but none of us have the strenght or courage to initiate. But I'll tell you about this a litte bit more in another post later. Have a nice day! ;)

XOXO, LD

You say Child I say Adult

OK, I know that I've been gone, and seriously, noone would be devastated if I won't post any more journals of my life, but I MADE this blog to write down all my little memories, which I'll forget in days, and whenver I read back my blog I find out how I forget pretty much about everything, and that's what was my point when I decided to write a blog. 

In summer I was way too lazy to even think about sitting down and write something, not to mention that my summer wasn't that eventful, so I nearly had nothing to write about.....And as school started I have NO free time, because there is sooo much work to do. I have to get my english language exam which will be in May, and I always find out that I know NOTHING! I'm scared to death, but I just want to prove that I can do it, that I am not a child anymore, in spite of everybody treats me like one. I know that I am the youngest in the family, I am the little girl, but I'll be 17 next year, and I think I'm pretty matured to my age. I want them to trust me more, and to consider my ideas, and opinions, not just reject it all the time, saying "What does this girl know? She's just a baby.". I'm so fed up with people taking care of me so much, because I can solve my problems, I can live on my own, but they don't let me. I want to believe, that passing my exams will be a great chance to show them that I don't need so much guidance. This is something that I did on my own since I can remember. I learnt English since I was a little girl, and they couldn't help me because they didn't learn english, just russian, and german. So right now nothing is more important than studying.

I also want to make sure that I'll be able to study in a good university, when I graduate, and I have to learn and learn and just learn to reach this too. I have my own dreams, but I have no idea how to make them come true yet. 

So the whole point of this post is that I try to keep up and do the posts because I love to remeber. For now, I'm going to get ready to go out and watch Paranormal Activity 2 during my Oh-so-wanted autumn break. :)

XOXO, LD

PS.: I know that I told you that I'm looking for the pefect dress to that wedding. Well it turned out that we found the perfect ones, but on the day of the wedding I got sick! :/ I had to be there feeling like a big amount of crap. But everyone adored the dresses. :) ;) Of course I had the pink dress. :)

Amusement park experiences

I have to say that I feel extremely tired today. In fact I went to sleep today which means that I got home super late this night, cause you might know from my latest post that me, my sister and some other friends went to the amusement park for the nightime. YES! It started last year at my place, and they decided to continue it this year too, because of the high popularity. We went there at around 7pm and I think that I was so over the moon and I acted like a little girl again who weared her mother's high heel for the first time. I was way too cheerful. We started off with some funny things like Mirror World where I was smart enough to go into one or two mirrors while I was trying to find the way out. My friends were laughing so hard at me cause they taught it was funny....:) Then we just tried out the roller coaster which was scary for me just because as we were rolling down it lookes like each time that I'm gonna hit the boards with my head cause there were some above us. So everytime I was screaming and I closed my eyes so tightly and then I realised that I didn't hit it. :)

And from then the rough things started....just like Top Scan which is this: http://www.coasterforce.com/coasterphotos/beast2.jpg And thank god I haven't tried it out. My sister and a friend were brave enough, and when it started I barely could whatch it. It was spinning, and moving crazily in every way, and when they got off the ride, my sister was like, no way I'm gonna sit in this again in my entire life, which was weird from her, so I had a little suspicion how was it like. Then we went to the Drop Tower which was really amusing. It went up sooooooo high and then it just dropped us. That felt was sooooo bad. It was like when I dream that I am diving, but it didn't end. It brought us up to 12 floor height, and I have to say that the sight was amazing. Then we just tried out Ikarus which wasn't a big deal, but it was high too. We tried out some other things too, but these were the most important ones which I wanted to mention. And there's one more too....My absolute favourite one was Breakdance. I LOVE it. We were on it like 3 or 4 times and the first time I didn't want to open my eyes, but then doing the last ones I was moving with the dance. It was fun. But which was not fun at all, that after the last breakdance ride I felt like I'm gonna throw up. Gosh! It was sooo bad. I didn't even eat after like 3pm to make sure that nothing's gonna happen. But I was starving when I left home so maybe that was the reason, so I just relaxed, drank a little water, and I felt fine. We left the park a bit before midnight and we decided to go and eat at McDonald's, to make my starving stomach feel right. I was okay for a few minutes after we ate, but when we were leaving to go home, the throw up feeling came back. Gosh it was soooooooo bad. When I got home I didn't even showered. I washed my face and my teeth and went straightly to my bed, and I immediately fall assleep. But for my luck, at 8 am a thunderstorm just woke me up. So now I am suffering from the tiredness and from the hurt which left in my arms, and in my left from the yesterday's fun. But it worth it I think. 

And also. I wanted it to tell lastly. I drived for the first time yesterday. I mean it was just a Gokart but it felt sooooo amazing. I want to drive so badlyyyyyyy! I mean I was the slowest, but I didn't care about it. It was just sooooo much fun. 

Now I'm going cause I have to do some other things too, but I'll post some pictures for you guys!

XOXO, LD